I’ve for many years been known as someone who loves to know the answers. Not knowing things eats at me, creating a dissatisfaction until I figure it out and make it my own. And I love to know these things. I love having answers. Over the past several weeks, I’ve received one particular question more than any other: “So, what are you going to do with your life now?”
If you had asked me that question 6 years ago, I would have had an answer.
If you had asked me that question 3 years ago, I would have had an answer.
If you had asked me that question 1 year ago, I would have had an answer.
But today, “I don’t know”.
In the previous few weeks, I completed a year-long internship at Cuyahoga Valley Church (CVC). I entered the internship expecting to be immediately launched out into full-time ministry following my conclusion. But as the days remaining slowly ran out, I ran into confusion. Opportunities were presenting themselves left and right, many of them were everything that I would have hoped for in a full-time ministry. Yet God showed time and time again that these opportunities were not his plan. Sometimes He did so by closing the door… Other times He did so by taking me by the hand, leading me away as I stewed in anger, and vied after the beautiful open door that I had seen. More clearly than anything, He’s shown me areas of both character and capacity that I must grow in before stepping into a full-time ministry role.
But… This is what I wanted. This is what I went to college for. This is why I’ve chased after my Savior, and now at what seems to be the prime time why would He hold me back?
My sleeping issues have flared up in recent days. I’m up all hours of the night, playing my guitar, watching SportsCenter, and most often, sitting staring mindlessly at the wall as I try to determine what the heck I’m supposed to do as questions of doubt flood my mind.
Where are you going to live next week?
Are you seriously back working at a Chick-fil-A? I thought you were past that stage?
Why didn’t you take one of those positions where money and housing wouldn’t have been a concern?
Can God really fill this gnawing in your spirit that you grapple with?
How could you have been so stupid to believe that you could sustain yourself this way?
Why are you concerning yourself with what you think God is trying to do?
Do you really think that anybody cares about you and your problems right now?
Is following God’s plan really better than everything you wanted and could have had?
Is it worth it?
Is it really worth it?
The most intimidating thing about this stage of life is that obedience to God’s direction is what put me in this situation to begin with. If I had followed my flesh and my desires, I wouldn’t have had to worry about this. And I’m learning now more than ever that obedience is really hard… and obedience is really scary.
Is it really worth it?
I pray my answer is yes… But my head knows it better than my heart.
In the meantime, I aim to walk:
in trembling, but not in fear.
in obedience, but not in complacency.
in confidence, but not in pride.
The questions above are questions that I don’t have the answers to. I don’t know.
But while there is much that I don’t know, there is something that I do know.
“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”
For now, I’m enjoying working at the Chick-fil-A in Macedonia, OH while I continue leading worship and volunteering with the high-school students at CVC. I’m surrounded by brothers and sisters in the Lord who love me and are helping to encourage me to maturity in faith as I walk down this path of unknown.
I covet your prayers today more than I did yesterday, and I imagine I will covet them even more tomorrow.
In Christ,
Kevin
Thoughts From My Windowsill 